panzuda's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pow-r "children are resilient." my mother said this once absentmindedly while talking about our history with domestic violence. "i can't do this. OF COURSE YOU CAN." my own thoughts in a panicked rush, fueled by nausea and a frantic longing to burn myself or disappear completely. on the drive home i was feeling better, better about the withholding, the shrinking of my own emotions to put others at ease, the tiny childishness that seems to be the only safe persona for me to inhabit at "home". but the good feeling went away as i imagined going out. you see, i wanted tickets to this thing? this music thing with drummers from japan. and let me tell you, the idea of it, just the idea of it. of glancing across the room and seeing him...i don't know what to do. i feel trapped, exposed to a judgment and rejection that i'm not sure i can get through. i need a strategy for escape. 11:40 - 07.01.19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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